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[gallowseyes]

His day, not to put too fine a point on it, has gone to shit. He'd slipped out of the apartment nearly to go and ride and had been thrown. Thankfully, he'd been on sand, so the bruising is minimal, but the stiffness in his shoulder has lingered all day. He'd gone to do some session work -- cello, not viola de Gamba, which means the instrument, whole familiar, feels less like a part of him. The fingering of the part has been complicated, and he'd managed to break his bow and had to use a spare.

At least he'd been paid.

By the time he lets himself into his apartment, he's in a foul mood but, when he opens the door, he instantly knows that someone else is home.

"Lee?"

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[gallowseyes]

George rolls his eyes, huffing out a laugh as he leans in to kiss the bridge of Lee's nose, still sticky with come. He frowns. "Stay there for a second," he says. "I'm coming straight back." Getting up from the bed, he slips into the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and wetting it with warm water, ringing out most of it before he brings it back to the bed damp. He sits down next to Lee and, gently, wipes the trace of come from his face, before moving lower.

[atehimrightup]

Lee frowns when George suddenly gets off the bed, unhappy with it even after the reassurance. Being sticky and shivery and too sensitive isn't as fun when he's alone.

But then George is back, sitting on the side of the bed and gently wiping Lee's face with a warm, wet washcloth and it is, perhaps, one of the most tender things that Lee has ever experienced in his life. George is so gentle with him, taking care of him and cleaning him up, and Lee is a little embarrassed to feel tears well up in his eyes again. Apparently coming so hard has made him a bit weepy. It feels like everything that he tries to keep locked away is so much closer to the surface.

"You're very nice to me," he says after a moment, very quietly, cheeks pink as a tear rolls down his temple. "I'm not used to that."

[gallowseyes]

George makes a soft sound, chasing the tear witht he pad of his thumb and wiping it away. He works his way down Lee's body with the cloth, making sure to clean every inch of him, moving particularly gently between his legs. He leans forward and presses a kiss to Lee's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he says. "That you're not used to it. But you can get used to it." George has got no intention of going anywhere.

[atehimrightup]

Lee smiles a little as George wipes away his tears, trying to remember the last time that anyone saw him cry. It had to have been when he was a child, and that's when he learned that it didn't do any good. It actually made things so much worse. But he can do it now, because he's safe. It's still such a marvel to feel safer with another person than he does alone.

He breathes in deeply as George wipes him down, smiling to himself as he wipes lube and and come from between his legs. Somehow, that feels like the most intimate thing they've done all night.

Once George is done, Lee sits up and wraps his arms around his middle in a tight hug, pressing his cheek to George's chest and letting out a shuddering breath. He never wants to let go of George and he wants to weep, suddenly, because he knows that one day he'll have to. This is why he didn't want to get this close, but it was a losing battle and he knows, now in this moment more than ever, that he's eventually in for the biggest heartbreak of his entire life, and there is nothing he can do about it.

"I'll try," he says quietly, keeping his inner turmoil to himself as he presses a soft, tender kiss to George's skin.

[gallowseyes]

Lee all but clings to him, and George shifts to hold him close. He needs to wash himsef, but it'l wait. Right now, he just wants this - Lee curled in against his heartbeat. He combs his fingers through Lee's dark curls, cradling the back of his skull.

"Good boy," he says, smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He turns his head and presses a kiss to Lee's forehead.

[atehimrightup]

Lee laughs at that, soft and genuine, and sniffles a little as he pulls back to reach for the rag, folding it over to get to a clean bit before he starts to do the same for George, wiping the cloth down his arm and then taking care to scrub down each finger of the hand that was inside him, massaging at his palm.

"It's funny. I've always called this a whore's bath," he says with another soft chuckle, twisting so he can wipe at George's chest and stomach, then gently wiping between his legs, cleaning his soft cock and his balls, then moving to his inner thighs. "A French whore's bath, more specifically. I don't even know where I picked up that slang, but I guess it fits."

[gallowseyes]

"That's something we used to say, too," he says, smiling at that little bit of continuity. As Lee wipes the cloth over him, he settles back against the pillows, one arm draped above his head. "Not the first time I've had one, either."

[atehimrightup]

"Really? I guess some things really do stand the test of time." Once he's all done, Lee tosses the cloth aside and turns to look at George. They should get up and change the sheets, but George looks so soft and cozy laying there against the pillows and Lee doesn't want to move. He huffs out a rueful laugh at that. "Yeah, me neither. I'm sure mine were less fun than yours. They're kind of a regular thing when you're homeless."

He huffs out a bemused breath, not wanting to bring the mood down, and moves in to fit himself against George's side, head on his shoulder while wrapping an arm around his chest, feeling soft and relaxed.

"Sometimes I'd fuck someone just so I could use their shower," he finds himself saying, and he isn't sure why. He doesn't want George to pity him or anything, doesn't want to make him feel bad. He says it more like he's just realizing in the moment that's what he was doing, and he can only see it clearly because things are so much better for him now.

[gallowseyes]

George can't relate to that kind of life. He'd never lived it. His childhood had been chilly, largely loveless, filled with beatings that he'd taken because he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. At least his mother had never hit him. But then there had been court, power and privilidge and, if not what he feels for Lee, than at least something like love. It had been something.

He kissing Lee's forehead again.

"And here you are," he says. "I hate thinking of you like that."

[atehimrightup]

Lee smiles softly as George's soft lips press against his forehead. He loves the casual affection, and the warmth of it all. He loves the intimacy, and he realizes now more than ever how much he desperately didn't want to be alone. He just told himself that he did so long that he started to believe it himself.

"Here I am," Lee replies, sliding his hand along George's arm and taking a slow, deep breath. "That's the hand I was dealt. Not much to do about it now other than try to move past it."

He lifts his head to press a kiss just under George's chin. "You kinda help with that." Another kiss. "Just a little."

[gallowseyes]

"I do my best," says George, tilting his head back to give Lee more room. "I've said it before, but it bears repeating, I think -- you're the first thing I've ever had -- the first person I've ever had -- that I chose for myself. That means a lot to me. Having that choice. Making this life."

[atehimrightup]

Lee pauses at that, forehead resting against George's jaw as he talks. It warms his heart and makes his belly sink like a stone all at the same time, and he hates so much that every joyful moment with George is tinged with this acrid guilt. If he were a better man, Lee would tell him to pick someone else. But he's not a good man. He isn't a good man at all. He's the beast in this beauty's story, and George doesn't even know it. What's wrong with Lee feels like a curse, but there is no way to break it.

He swallows back a lump in his throat and lifts his head enough to find George's mouth, kissing him softly. Maybe Lee can keep this secret forever. Maybe he can find a more ethical way to satisfy his needs, even though he's never been able to manage that before. It won't erase what he's done, but he can try to be a better man. For George. Maybe he can keep him. It's a nice thought, anyway.

"I'm honored," Lee says sincerely, voice thick as he puts his hand on the side of George's face and smiles, eyes shining. "I mean, I question your judgement. But I'm honored."

[gallowseyes]

"You sort of took me by surprise," he says, wondering if that's the same for Lee. They've known each other for over a year, since that ngiht they'd run into each other in a bar. "It was that night that you fought, and I bought you back here. I don't know. Everything shifted. It's like I saw you, properly, for the first time."

[atehimrightup]

Lee finds himself nodding along, because he didn't expect this at all. For some time, it was just sex. Really, really good sex. And then he found himself enjoying George's company even with their clothes on, and then it seems like something changed all at once. He didn't realize it at the time, but George is right. It was that night.

"You saw me let a twink get a few good licks in to blow off some steam and decided you had to have me, huh?" Lee teases, but his eyes are shining and he smiles, nodding a little as he strokes his thumb in front of George's ear. He had let Elio wail on him that day, and he still isn't entirely sure why. He knew that Elio needed it, that he was a walking timebomb, but he's sure there was some self-flagellation in there, too. What better way to punish himself than to let someone who looks just like him repeatedly punch him in the face?

"I think I realized that I could really trust you that night," he says in a voice that's more sincere, fidgeting with George's earring for a moment, brow furrowing slightly. "And I had never really felt that before. Even my sister-- she's the only person I've ever really loved but I don't think I trusted her, really. She didn't know me." He swallows hard and shifts his gaze to look George in the eyes, lower lip quivering slightly from how vulnerable he feels. "But I trust you. You know me as much as anyone can."

[gallowseyes]

"You can. Trust me." George is certain of that fact, at least. He thinks about it a lot, sometimes, how it had felt that first night, lying in his bathtub with Lee, feeling everything shift course, slightly. He strokes his hand against Lee's bare side. "I'm not going to question it. I like things how they are. Your things here. You here. I like coming home to you."

[atehimrightup]

"I know. I know I can," Lee assures him, feeling his eyes and nose start to sting yet again, because George is the best thing that's ever happened to him. He stares at George's face for a long time, searching his eyes, and for maybe the first time, he lets himself think about what might happen if he just told George the truth. Maybe he'd-- maybe he'd what? Understand? How could he possibly? How could anyone come to terms with that? Lee can't even seem to do that and he's the one who actually has to do it.

"I like it, too," he says with a sniffle, opening his mouth and then closing it again as another set of tears spills out of his eyes, like he broke some sort of dam. "I--" He blows out a breath and looks away for a moment. "I've done some really bad things in the name of survival." It's the closest he can come to admitting it, but he can't get the words out. Other people have known what he was, but only because they were the same as him. Or they were his mother, who came home to see her child ripping apart a babysitter with his teeth and had to be told the truth by the man who had deceived her for so long. The same man that beat Lee until he eventually snapped and killed him.

"I worry you wouldn't like me so much anymore," he admits in a small voice, which is a massive understatement. He swallows hard and turns to look at the wall, unable to look George in the eye. "If you knew all that I've done."

[gallowseyes]

"That was then and this is now and you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," says George, gently, gathering Lee against him and swiping at the tears on Lee's face with his fingers. "But I understand, a little, of things that must be done because they must and there is no-one else to do them." He kisses Lee's forehead gently.

[atehimrightup]

Lee stares at George, hanging on his every word and swallowing hard as George’s fingers brush so lightly under his eyes. The tenderness he shows Lee still stuns him all the time.

“I just don’t want you to think that I’m a bad person,” Lee admits in a low voice, breath hitching as George kisses his forehead. He wraps his arms around George’s waist, chin hooking over his shoulder. He sniffs and slides one hand up and down George’s back, letting himself be held.

“I don’t want to be a bad person.”

[gallowseyes]

"You're not a bad person," says George, softly, his hand stroking over Lee's bare skin. He can't help but think about how many times Lee's told him he wants to be good. "I've met bad people. I was raised by one, I think. And you could never be that."

[atehimrightup]

Lee wants it to be true so badly. He wants to believe George, even though he doesn’t know the truth. But then again, Lee gave him enough to have his imagination running wild, and nothing George could come up with is enough to make him hesitate. That means something, he thinks. It gives him the tiniest flicker of something like hope.

“I’m glad you think so,” Lee says after a few moments of thoughtful silence, pulling back enough to be able to kiss George softly on the mouth.

He smiles and presses their foreheads together, huffing an amused breath. “Apparently being fisted makes me weepy and introspective.”

[gallowseyes]

"That would appear to be the case," says George, gently teasing, brushing a kiss against the tip of Lee's nose. "You are very pretty when you cry, though. It makes your eyes look extraordinary."

[atehimrightup]

Lee feels a little embarrassed, which seems to happen so easily around George, but it gets easier to brush off every time. He doesn’t have to worry about so much with George. He can show his underbelly, and it’s okay.

“Oh, is that right?” He asks with a soft laugh, reaching up to drag his fingers through George’s hair, gazing at him adoringly. “Well, I think that you’re very pretty all the time.”

[gallowseyes]

"And you've never been seen me cry," says George, brushing his thumb over the flush chasing across Lee's cheekbone. George can't remember the last time he cried. In the early days in France, probably? He'd decided a long time ago that it just wasn't going to get him anywhere.

[atehimrightup]

“I wouldn’t be able to stand it,” Lee replies lightly, as if the beauty of it would be too much for him. But there are much bigger reasons for Lee not wanting to see George cry.

“I didn’t used to, either. And now look what you’ve done.” He smiles again, fingertips tracing along George’s jaw. “It’s nice, y’know. Having someone you can cry in front of. Even if it’s embarrassing.”

[gallowseyes]

"I'm glad I'm that person for you," he says and means it, utterly. He hasn't been blind to the way that Lee has softened, in the time that they've been together. It's been a lovely thing to watch. "I don't think anyone in my life has known me as well as you."